


HISHE - Steps into Shadow

by Justlovemyslash



Series: How It Should Have Ended [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Boy Kissing, Character death - Phantom shuttle, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Kanan/Hera at all, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-18 15:38:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8167111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justlovemyslash/pseuds/Justlovemyslash
Summary: HISHE = How It Should Have Ended or How Steps into Shadow should have ended.  We didn't even get a hug!I plan to rewrite sections of episodes to make them a little more less Disney Y7.  So that may mean adding more hurt/comfort or violence.  Also, I can add the slashy goodness I'll never see.  Thanks Disney :(So is it Kezra?





	1. Why do Disney villains always die in a fall?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope Ezra nearly dying in a fall isn't Disney foreshadowing?

Ezra watched in horror as the Phantom shuttle was bombarded with debris and ripped from the magnetic clamp holding it underneath the now doomed reclamation station. It tumbled end over end into the stormy sky below. He had a grandiose plan to Force lift the shuttle back onto the station’s deck. “OK, **do** , not try.... **do** , not try !” he thought as he reached out for the Force.  He would never question any Jedi _ever_ if this worked.

The light side of the force, the Ashla, turned its back on him like a jealous lover. Ezra couldn't feel the Force at all!  He had been using his anger for power ever since he found the holocron. He never considered the consequence of dabbling into the dark side.  He reached out for the dark side, focusing on his anger and terror but there was nothing.  It was if the Force was saying "You just sentenced every life form on this station to die...why don’t you join them."

He reached out to anyone in the universe for help. The universe answered back in a flash. A huge bolt of lightning struck the shuttle as it fell, exploding his only means of escape into a million pieces.

“I’m in trouble too.” Ezra called out, not sure if anyone in the whole universe cared.  He had a bad feeling about this.


	2. "Dawns in trouble...must be Tuesday" Buffy TVS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan to the rescue!

Kanan felt a cold shiver that could only indicate one thing...well actually two things. Either he was getting old and he needed to start swaddling himself in sweaters OR Ezra was in serious trouble. Kanan's credits were on Ezra. Plus, Hera kept the Ghost's thermostat locked at "uncomfortable warm" so the cold shiver that went down his spine had to be Ezra-related. When they first started working together they constantly fought over the ships environmental settings. It was the second biggest battle in the galaxy for several days, until Hera set him straight one day after catching him red handed lowering the temperature.

"Pilot picks the temp, co-pilot shuts his meiloorun hole." She declared as she turned up the heat and then locked the controls.

The memory of the angry look on her face made him laugh out loud. 

He practiced using his new Force sight skill as he moved through the small cargo ship, headed toward the cockpit. Using the Force to see took a lot of concentration, but he always had been a quick learner. He wondered what else the Bandu would be willing to teach him as he settled in the co-pilots chair. Perhaps the Force had intervened and drawn them here? Can the Force influence droids, he wondered, since it was Chopper who found this base?  He had heard stories about force wielders who were not Sith or Jedi.  The only thing he knew is that they had removed themselves from the constant war between the Light and Dark.  Unlike most force sensitive beings, they had found ways to cloak themselves.  That would explain why he didn't sense the Bandu on the planet before the creature reached out to him.  Maybe the Jedi holocron would have more information.  

He going to call Hera on the comm but he could feel that she would be joining him soon. He smiled as an image of Hera's beautiful face appeared in his mind as he waited.

Ever since his sight was taken from him had been having memory visions. Thankfully most of them were happy moments. One of his favorite memories was the first time Sabine had painted her room on the Ghost. The colors were still vivid in his mind, the hot orange to the cool blues. He could still remember every detail and how awed he was by her talent.

Somehow he knew that they would make it to Ezra in time so he was calm. He couldn't see exactly where he was or know what he was doing, but he knew for certain that he needed help.

Hera entered the cockpit and was shocked to find him waiting. "Kanan?!?"

"Ezra's in trouble. Let's go." Kanan stated as flatly as he would say any everyday statement like "Were out of caff again."

Hera was elated to have Kanan back at her side where he belonged. For the first time in forever, a smile warmed her partner's handsome face and Hera couldn't help but smile herself.

"It's good to have you back." She told him, wishing she could hug him right now but they had to go rescue their newest crew member.


	3. Save me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan comes to the rescue, but can he save Ezra from all of his hurts.

Ezra had battled a Sith Lord, twice, and never felt this terrified. Terrified and alone.

The Phantom was destroyed, the bombers and his crew mates were gone, and all of the escape pods had ejected from the station. Screams of men who had been abandoned on the dying station rang in his ears as the building before was engulfed in flame.

A blaster shattered a window high above him and he was sprayed with glass. Ezra lit his saber and prepared to fight, but there was no one left to fight. A man covered in flame flung himself through the destroyed window and in a desperate attempt to escape the inferno inside. He fell with a sickening thud at Ezra's feet. Bile rose from Ezra's stomach as the stench of burning flesh washed over him.

The body at his feet shuddered violently and tried to rise, only to collapse back to the landing. A keening scream tore from the charred, broken form as it lifted its ruined face to him.  The entire right side of the Imperal's face was charred black, his hair burned away.  What remained of his face took Ezra's breath away.  He was one of the cadets Ezra had met when he was undercover.  The ruined face contorted in confusion, trying to understand why his former classmate was here, with a light saber in his hand.

"Help....help me...."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He cried as he ended the young man's suffering with a swipe of his saber.  There was no way off this dying station, so the least he could do was to make the former cadet's death quick.  Ezra had killed an unknown number of people, but they were faceless. Anonymous.  And usually they were trying to kill him or the people he loved.  Kanan had taught him how to deflect the blaster shots back at the person who was trying to kill him.  Fighting Kanan's way had always felt righteous, it was self defense.  Looking down at the smoking corpse before him, he realized that fighting with the dark was different.  He had murdered these men, including this boy that he knew.  He was a killer now.  He was wrong.

He felt weak, changed. Empty.  Death would be a welcome release from this hollowness.

Not knowing what else to do, he closed his eyes and reached out to the void with everything he had. "Kanan, where are you?" He wailed as another explosion rocked the station.

The universe answered him with silence.

All hope left him in that moment. Before he even knew what the Force was, he had always felt its presence. It guided him when he was in danger or made him stronger when he was weak. But now, he felt nothing. The Force had abandoned him.

Suddenly the walkway beneath him collapsed and he was thrown off his feet, landing face down on a narrow ledge below. The air was knocked from his lungs and he felt like he would mercifully pass out. The platform he clung to for dear life pitched forward, broke from the station and fell.

And fell.

And fell.

The wind tore at him, threatened to rip him from the narrow platform and fling him into the abyss. The metal under his hands grew hotter and hotter but he only held tighter, mindless terror driving him to cling to the only solid thing in his hellish world. Hot smoke filled his lungs and burned his eyes. He had no choice but to breathe in the toxic smoke so he gasped for breath after breath until his throat was raw.

"Maybe I'm already dead and this is hell?" He thought as a new wave of pain washed over him as the hot metal seared his hand.  He screamed and the searing pain almost forced him to let go when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. A light!! There was a light behind the smokey darkness.  He almost didn't believe what he saw. The Ghost was only a few feet away, diving in tandem with him. The light was coming from an open hatch.

"Ezra!!! Ezra, I'm right here!!! Let go!!!" Kanan's voice boomed over the screaming winds and it was the most beautiful thing Ezra had ever heard.  "I don't deserve to live," Ezra thought miserably as Kanan reached out to him.  He feigned reaching out screaming "It's too far, I can't reach you!!!"  "Just leave me here, I deserve this." Ezra though.  He could see the ground rushing up at him, it wouldn't be too much longer now.

Kanan saw the quickly rising ground and panicked, Force pulling Ezra to him across the narrow gap.  Ezra flew across the narrow gap between them and into his master's arms. "I've got you, I've got you." His master chanted over and over as he pulled him completely in the shuttle, before they fell sideways to the floor, arm and arm. The shuttle's door snapped shut the moment they were free of it.

"I've got him!!" Kanan exclaimed as he hugged Ezra tight, tucking the smaller man's head under his chin. Kanan was so overjoyed! He kissed Ezra on the top of his head and ruffled his short hair. Gods he missed his long shaggy hair.

Hera smiled and whooped in delight as she banked the ship away from the falling debris and pulled out of the dive, leveling the ship with the horizon. "Only a Jedi could have survived that." She thought as she plotted a course for home.

As the ship rolled level, the two men rolled with it. Unfortunately for Ezra he ended up underneath Kanan's heavier body, and for the second time today the air left his lungs in a rush.

"Are you hurt? What happened? I was so worried! Where's the shuttle?" Kanan asked in a rush as his hands wandered all over Ezra's torso and down his limbs looking for injuries. "What's that smell? Are you burned?"

"Yes!" Ezra sobbed as he looked down as the blistered, bubbled skin on his hands. "My hands! It hurts so much!" He hissed. Despite his pain, all he could think about was that cadet on the station who begged him for help. The pain he must have endured before he died. It was unimaginable. It was all his fault.

Kanan patted him on the cheek and then helped him stand, pulling him up by the arm. He could feel that Ezra was suffering more that physical hurts, but he needed to get his injuries healed first.  He slung Ezra's arm over his shoulder, supporting him as they walked down to the ship's galley. "Your home now. Your safe."  Ezra felt so boneless and weak, his feet dragging as Kanan half carried, half dragged him down the hallway.  Thankfully, they didn't have to go far.

Kanan could hear Ezra sobbing as he settled him atop the galley's table. He grabbed the first aid kit, thankful that someone had put it back in its proper place for once and set it on the table next to his padawan. His heart was racing so he took a deep breath to calm himself as he searched the med supplies. Pain relief was the first priority and then he could cure his burns.

"I was so alone. Everything went wrong so fast, and there was nothing I could do." Ezra sobbed, tears rolling down his face. "I reached out for you, for the Force, but...nothing. There was nothing."

Kanan hugged him again briefly as he pressed the pain relief injector against the first area of bare skin he found, carful to avoid Ezra's hands.  The pain suppressors worked almost instantly and his padawan sighed in relief, resting his head on Kanan's chest. Nothing hurt as much as burned skin, he knew from experience. He felt a phantom pain in his right shoulder and remembered the searing pain of the phaser burn he'd suffered there so many years ago.

Kanan continued to tend Ezra, smoothing bacta jell over his hands. The cool, slick gell was a miracle substance but it would take several treatments to completely mend the burns, depending on how bad he was injured.  He held Ezra's smaller hands between his own as he gently worked the gel into his skin.  "Are you hurt anywhere else?" Kanan asked and he felt Ezra lift his head from his shoulder. 

"No." Ezra whispered as he looked down at their hands as Kanan's larger hands rubbed a cool, soothing jell over his burns.  He couldn't seem to stop crying, even now that the pain was gone.  For a long time he sat, watching Kanan's hands heal him.  A third dollop of bacta gel squirted onto his palm, and he could see that some of the burns had already healed.  His master's massaging fingers felt so soothing.  Perhaps Kanan was using some type of Jedi healing, because everything felt better now that his master was here.  Kanan's hands were rough from calluses from saber training and hard work, Ezra noticed.  They were manly hands, large and strong yet so gentle right now.  Ezra shivered as his mind supplied image after image of those hands doing more than healing strokes.  Those hands in his hair, sliding across the bare skin of his chest, massaging his sore muscles after saber practice.  He panicked and pushed the images out of his mind, feeling ashamed, his face blushing red.

Kanan looked up at him and smiled.  "I'm flattered, Ezra, don't be embarrassed." he whispered.  Damn it, sometimes Ezra hated this bond they had, he felt so exposed right now.  Especially because right now he couldn't read his master's feelings.  "Let's get you to your room, and then we can talk when you are better.  Alright?"

Ezra didn't answer, but Kanan helped him off the table and they headed toward Ezra's cabin, 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always loved Star Wars and I've read several of the novelized versions of the movies that were released after the movies. I'm currently listening to the audiobook of TFAwakens. You learn so much about how these force wielding characters relate to the Force in the novels. For example, when Kylo Ren kills a certain character, he doesn't feel strong in the force he feels weaker. I just imagined that the light side of the force would abandon Ezra as he started using the dark side. 
> 
> Also, with the show being on Disney get a cartoonish type of violence. There is no way a young man could kill that many people and not be affected in some way. I might write some hurt/comfort and PTSD.
> 
> And finally, I hope they do more with the Bendu.


	4. Passion yet serenity

As they walked to Ezra's cabin, the young padawan was still sobbing quietly.  Kanan was walking next to him, Ezra's arm over his shoulders to support him, his other arm around Ezra's waist to hold him close.  He could sense a whirlwind of emotions swirling in his student unlike anything he had felt before.  Anger was always there, but he had never felt so much despair and hopelessness. And back in the galley, he had felt the unexpected flare of desire followed by shame as he soothed the healing balm into the damaged skin of Ezra's hands. His padawan had never felt so dark.  For the hundreth time, he berated himself for leaving Ezra alone with that damn Sith holocron. The Jedi temple guards had warned him that the dark pulled at his student. "I should have heeded his warning." he thought as they stopped before the door of Ezra's cabin.

The door whooshed open and the musty smell of the small room washed over him. Since there were two crew members in the same small space, the room had always smelled a little dingy but not unpleasant.

He could hear Ezra kicking items out of their way before leading him into the small room. The thud of a boot against a helmet filled his ears as he felt a wave of hot anger from the padawan. Finally they reached the bunks on the far side of the wall and Ezra flopped down on the lower bed. Kanan sat down next to Ezra, careful not to hit his head on the upper bunk. He turned to face Ezra so they could talk.

There was a long silence as Kanan searched for the right words. He could feel Ezra's exhaustion, but they needed to talk.

"When I first met my master, she was badly injured, floating unconscious in a bacta tank in the Jedi temple's med center. She had been in a coma for months. They were not sure if she would ever recover, but she surprised them all and survived. She was nearly killed leading a mission against General Grievous. Only a handful of her troops survived. She was strong with the Force, Ezra, a member of the Jedi Council, but even she made mistakes in battle."

Kanan felt Ezra's mood lighten a little as he talked. A hand touched him on his arm and then gave him a gentle, soothing squeeze. He welcomed Ezra's comforting touch. It was always difficult to talk about his long dead master.

"What happened on the station was all my fault. I was so angry at seeing Titus again! I slashed my saber through the station's control panel as he watched just to see the terrified look on his face." Ezra confessed.

"Your anger was understandable, Ezra. When you are stronger in the Force you will be able to draw strength from your emotions, but not yet. At your age, these feelings only cloud your judgement." Kanan explained.

"You should know that some Jedi believe it is better to suppress all feelings and have no emotional attachments, but that is a relatively new practice for the Jedi. There is nothing wrong with feeling passionate emotions, but you can't let them rule you." Kanan warned. As he spoke, Ezra's hand slid down his arm and grabbed his hand, lifting his palm to his mouth. Kanan gasped in surprise as Ezra pressed a kiss into his palm.

"I have passionate feelings for you, master." Ezra confessed as he nuzzled his face against Kanan's hand, tickling his fingertips with butterfly kisses. Hot breath ghosted over the sensitive skin of his fingers and Kanan suddenly felt hot all over.

"Ezra...I..." Kanan stuttered as Ezra slid his lips over two of his fingertips, laving the skin with his tongue, scraping with his teeth. Ezra moaned around his fingers and Kanan's traitorous mind was filled with images of Ezra's mouth on his skin.

"I know you like this." Ezra gloated as he moved closer, straddling Kanan's lap. He reached up and slid the shield off of Kanan's face, exposing his ruined eyes.

"We can't." Was all that Kanan could think of to say as Ezra peppered his face with kisses. Their bodies were pressed together from chest to thighs and Ezra's hands had slid under the hem of his shirt, caressing his bare skin. Kanan clawed his fingers into the bedding underneath his hands as Ezra's touches and kisses got bolder.

"Why not?" Ezra questioned as he moved his lips to the ear not blocked by Kanan's armor so he could torture the sensitive skin there.

Kanan couldn't help but laugh. He remembered pestering his teachers at the academy, questioning everything. He began to question his own words. Ezra was more than a decade younger, but he was a man now and Kanan wasn't that old. Ezra was his padawan, but the Jedi Order was all but dead. As Jedi, they were alone in the universe and he had almost lost Ezra today.

"I'm not going to steal my first kiss." Ezra declared as he slid his hands around Kanan's neck bringing there lips within a hair's breath of touching.

The thought of being Ezra's first kissed was so enticing that it pushed him over the edge. This thing between them suddenly felt inevitable.

"Just a kiss tonight." Kanan's words promised so much more as he brought their lips together. He kept his hands on the bed, not trusting himself otherwise.

He felt Ezra's body tense in his lap as their lips met and he almost lost his resolve to not touch him. It had been so long since he had kissed or touched anyone, he thought as Ezra's hands held his face. It was as if he was afraid Kanan would pull away.

"Sweet and gentle." Ezra thought as Kanan kissed him almost chastely. He kept breaking the kiss to look down at the handsome face of the man beneath him, almost not believing that this was happening.

They both broke their kiss and looked to the door in alarm as they both felt someone approaching. Neither man was ashamed of this, but nobody wants to be caught in the act. Ezra scrambled off Kanan's lap and flung himself onto the bed, covering himself with Zeb's overly large blanket, pretending to sleep. Kanan tried to regain his composure but he was sure his face was flushed red as Hera knocked on the cabin door.

"Come in." Kanan called, cursing when his voice trembled a little. Under the blanked, Ezra snickered.

Light flooded into the dim room from the hallway as the door opened and Hera walked inside. He should have known better than to try and fool her, she knew something was up the minute she saw his face. He couldn't see her expression but he felt her amusement as she patted him on the shoulder.

"I'm glad he is safe. Get some sleep." She whispered as she turned and left the room.

Ezra popped up the minute she left, and started removing Kanan's armor. "We should have known better than to think we could hide this from her." Ezra laughed as threw his armor on the floor. Then he pulled Kanan down to the bed with him, wrapping the large blanket around them both.

"We'll talk tomorrow." Kanan promised as he spooned around Ezra's smaller frame, feeling completely content for the first time in a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea that Jedi shouldn't form attachments is actually a new concept.

**Author's Note:**

> I felt more when they lost the Phantom that I did when other characters died (Not Ahsoka). I'll finish this soon


End file.
